As a Survivor of Abuse, I’m Going to Love Differently.

**PLEASE NOTE: This post was written anonymously by a student**

There are events in a person’s life that result in a turning point of sorts, that changes the path that their life may have taken if certain events hadn’t happened. For some, it’s hard to pinpoint when these events happened. For others, they become nightmares hard to outrun.

The events in my past that haunt me changed the way that I receive and give love, and drastically changed who I could have been. I often ponder the person I could have been, and also I grief for the loss of this girl I could have been. How this girl could have received love that is different than how I receive it, though I’m not sure I can love any differently.

As a survivor of abuse, I love differently. It’s not an easy word for me to say, because for a long time I didn’t feel like I deserved to be loved. It was drilled into me that I was not worthy of love, which was why I was a target of my abuse. For a long time, I refused to let people get close to me for fear that what I was being told was true.

Even when I eventually entered into a serious relationship, my past fears were apparant to him. I see myself as damaged, and have scars that may never go away. As the first person to claim that he loved me after my abuse, I feel like I put him through more than a regular person could handle.

Regardless, he showed me that my abuse should not define me. He gave me unconditional love, and only asked to be loved in return. I gave him all of the love that I could, and he was the first boy I ever trusted with my heart. We both knew that I loved him differently, and it was a long battle for me to show my love.

When you love someone who has experienced abuse, it’s a different kind of love. These emotions rest on trust, and a promise that the scars present are among the many things that make them beautiful. It is a hard journey, a roller coaster ride that will keep you on your toes.

However, once they love you, they will love you fiercely. You will never doubt their love, nor will they be defined by the abuse that haunts them. My abuse haunts me, and lingers in all the relationships that I have. I make it difficult for people to grow close to me, because I still hold ont othe feeling that I am not worth attention from people.

Loving someone who’s experience any form of abuse is a challenge, but its a challenge worth battling to feel the unconditional love when you get past the walls ‘protecting’ that person.