“Sometimes the person you’d take a bullet for is the one standing behind the trigger”
I wasn’t quite sure if I should post this. A piece of me hopes that he reads this. But in a way if he does, it makes me vulnerable.
I’m not sure where I’m going with this post. Coincidentally, much like my life lately. I’m not sure where things are heading. It’s not just one feeling, it’s a million feelings coming at me like a tidal wave. I’ve been going through the motions lately. I’ve had no choice but to ride this tidal wave and take everything that’s come at me.
In may of 2016, I met my best friend, at my UOIT orientation. Instantly we became friends, it was like we had an instant connection. Best friend, that’s not a title I give to everyone. We both had finished Police Foundations at different schools and were starting similar programs here. Neither of us had a lot of friends, but the friendship that we did share was a close one. For awhile we were attached to the hip, we spent every test studying together, spent everyday in class together and every break. Coffee and vent sessions were a daily thing for us. He took the time to get to know me and understand me, he liked me for who I was. Talking to him was the easiest thing in the world, and I knew that he was always there to support me. He was kind to me. I built an attachment to this individual like no other and started to look at him as an over protective brother. That’s one thing that I always liked about him, I’ve never really had that. I’ve never had a close relationship with my brothers and I’ve never had someone protective of me like he was. He knows what I’ve been through. I thought I knew him, I thought he understood me, I trusted him, and I thought he was the one person who wouldn’t hurt me. I let my guard down. I thought I meant more to him, I thought I was worth more as a person. I thought I was more than just a page in his book.
But the wave came crashing down. This time it was a tsunami, and I wasn’t ready for it. There was no warning. Quickly, the good turned bad. Gradually, he stopped having time for me. We were toxic for each other. As the friendship was going downhill, so was my mental health. Soon I became suicidal, I still haven’t been able to shake the feeling.
In a way, what I’ve been through is emotional abuse. My counsellor described it as gaslighting. To me, it’s all the same.
It started with small fights, with each fight they got bigger and bigger. Over the course 8 months I cannot tell you how many times I’ve been told that I’m “psycho”, how many times I’ve been blamed, the amount of times I’ve apologized but have been the one sobbing on my bathroom floor and shaking and screaming, the amount of times I’ve felt worthless. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve had my mistakes held against me or thrown in my face. It takes a toll on a person hearing negative things over and over from someone whose opinions mean everything to you. Eventually you start to believe all the negative things, because if it’s true to them then it must be the truth. It eats you alive every day. On one occasion after we drunkenly made out with each other, I was upset. Somehow, it was wrong for me to be upset and I was the crazy one. Piece by piece, it takes over you, and you start to become this person that they’ve envisioned and created. I started to think maybe I was “psycho”, maybe I was dramatic and crazy and all of these other negative things. Maybe everything bad that happened was my fault. I lost track of the amount of times this person knowingly let their friends bully me, say rude things about me, threaten me, and when I did stand up for myself I was told that I was in the wrong for doing so. But when it came to me not meeting his morals, I was dropped faster than the speed of light. When he dropped me it was so easy for him, he made it look so easy, like I was never his friend. In the end he made it known that I was crazy, that it was my fault, and that I’m a terrible person. Those were pretty much the last words he spoke to me. These words still linger every day, they’re the first thoughts in my head when I start my day. When I look back at the person I thought I knew, I don’t recognize this person at all, he’s a monster. How can someone be so cruel and unfair?
Losing him has been one of the hardest things for me. I still breakdown every day, I replay everything that’s happened in my head over and over again. I’ve asked myself why. I’m still trying to figure out where things went wrong and what I can do to fix it. Believe me when I say tried relentlessly to fix things. I would have done anything to make things better. When he blocked one social media account, I made new ones and tried to talk to him. Every time I opened up and tried to fix things was like a slap in the face. A week ago, police got involved. I guess this time, there’s truly no going back. I never thought he’d do this to me.
It’s been 2 months since that dreadful December day. I still remember it like it was yesterday. It’s not easy when someone who you once looked up to and thought so highly of drops you like you’re nothing. I truly thought that I meant more to him than that, but that day I realized that I am nothing to him. I am nothing. Those words sting. The good memories that I’m supposed to laugh about now make me cry, there’s a whole playlist of songs that I can’t listen to anymore. We were supposed to make more memories and graduate university together. Instead I’m skipping classes so I don’t have to see him, I’m skipping meals, I’m losing sleep, I’m smoking cigarettes and trying to find ways to kill the pain that he’s caused me.
Now he’s just a memory, a stranger who simply knows everything about me. He didn’t break me, he ruined me. Everything that I once was is now shattered pieces that I cut myself on every day trying to put back together. There’s still so many emotions and feelings that I can’t even begin to explain. There’s so many things I wish I could say to him. I want to feel normal again, I don’t want to cry every day, I want to smile again, I want to feel whole and not this emptiness. I’m still trying to figure out why this has happened to me and what to do next, the wound is still fresh. So I guess for now I have to learn to ride the waves.