Closure

I want to start but saying I’ve been having a bit of writers block lately as you can probably see with my shortness in words and lack of posts but writing is in my blood and I thank those who have been so supportive on my journey!

A beautiful but lost soul, a twisted mind; that is what I found within him and that is what he used to break me. Have you ever spoken to someone and it feels like you’re speaking to yourself- every deep, dark thought coming at you in someone else’s voice? A connection so strong, a conversation so deep that it leaves you questioning the world around you… How did we go from hours of intense conversation to complete silence without an explanation or a goodbye like I never even mattered?

Due to this lack of closure I spent (and sadly sometimes still do) a lot of time reflecting on the hours spent together trying to figure out what I did to make it all come crashing down. During these reflections I have come to realize that no matter how beautiful our minds were together, it could never work because the effort was one sided. I spent so much time trying to help ease his mind of all his demons but he never tried to rid me of mine – in reality he used me. It makes me look back on our conversations, were we really so similar or was he saying what he knew I’d love to hear.

Everyone sees closure in a different perspective and there are many definitions (while they may be similar) for it. Personally my favorite way to describe closure is, “a sense of resolution or conclusion at the end of an artistic work” because to me relationships are beautiful and unique, like a work of art they are carefully crafted over time with so much patience. Such effort goes into a masterpiece; you put your heart and soul into it until you can no longer and what a shame it is when that masterpiece is left unfinished because the other person put down the paintbrush and took it with them.

I never thought I could feel closure through writing and sure it is not the same, but finally I have been able to express the way I felt and still feel. I didn’t write this to shame him or those who walk away from someone without a goodbye or explanation; I wrote this to feel closure for myself. I could have written it, saved it (or deleted it) and be done with it but I wanted to post it because I know there are so many others who have been left behind and can’t understand it. I’m writing this for you to remember that whatever the reason may be, you cannot keep it inside. Even if you can’t speak to the person that hurt you, you have a voice and it needs to be heard. Don’t let it eat away at your confidence or make you feel like you’re not good enough because I promise you that you are.

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Disassociation

** This post may relate to some and may be a trigger. Please always read with caution and take care of your mental health**

It’s interesting, I have had people in my life who really try to understand what I am going through and want to know how I feel during an “episode” but when it comes down to explaining it, I am at a loss for words. How do you explain feelings to someone who has never felt them before? How do you explain an episode when they are different every time?

I wanted to write this while I was at my lowest point because really I think that is the only way to really explain it, but of course when I’m in such a state there is no motivation to do anything so I am going to try my best to give you a glimpse. I’d like to point out this is MY PERSONAL experience and will not reflect everyone who is dealing with depression and anxiety. Also this is describing me at my most severe times which are not always completely reflective of my overall mental health. For me, it took a long time to figure out how I was feeling, I always tried to describe it, but trying to compare and reference my feelings only took away the intensity of my emotions. Within the last week or so I have finally found the one word that can truly describe how I feel: DISASSOCIATION. By definition disassociation is the disconnection or separation of something from something else or the state of being disconnected. Being disconnected is feeling as though everything going on around me is out of my control, like the words I am speaking are not coming from me, but I am watching them being said. Like the consequences of my actions don’t matter because I am not there, a numb feeling that I cannot escape. My mind feels dull and numb while my body is in excruciating pain like someone is constantly stabbing a small knife into my ribs and chest. My ears are filled with pressure and my heart feels as if it is going to beat right out of my chest. When people are talking I can hardly focus as there are a million vicious thoughts running through my head telling me I am not good enough, I am a failure, that my friends are only my friends because they pity me and in reality no one wants me, just the things I can/will do for them. Sure, people have these insecurities at times but these thoughts do not stop, they are running an endless marathon and getting louder and louder with each check point.

This constant pain always leads my mind to the one thought no one ever wants to think; how easy it would be to just end it all, to give up with this being strong bullshit and just be selfish, in an eternal sleep. With that being said no matter how deep I am into my own mind, I always remind myself of a quote that has kept me going all these years, “suicide does not end pain, it just passes it to someone else and I would rather live a lifetime of pain than see those I love suffer.”

Coming out of an episode can be just as scary as being in one. I feel like I’ve blacked out, like the last few hours or even days are just a faint blur – a dream almost. Not only that, but it is completely exhausting both mentally and physically. I feel so tired and ready for bed which happens at any time, even in the morning before I have began to start my day – which usually ends in me missing class because I am unable to get myself ready.

As you can probably tell this post leaves me feeling very vulnerable but I think its important and needs to be talked about. So many people experience similar issues and like me are forced to just continue on with their day. My experiences don’t just happen when I am home. With school and work the triggers are endless, but at the end of the day papers need to be written, bills need to be paid and there is no time to recover. A horrible cycle that many of us face but please remember you’re never alone! Find someone (even if it’s an anonymous hotline) to confide in, get a journal and express yourself, or be like me and join a blog. Letting your pain out will help more than you think! Everyone is suffering and the severity of their suffering does not matter, all that matters is that we can all relate.

Doing what you can for those in need…

For the past 7 summers I have worked at the Canadian National Exhibition, 3 of which I have been a supervisor. This is definitely my favourite time of the year because it is the one job that although it can be very stressful, gives me the most peace. Seeing all the happy guests and helping make those guests happy gives me a joy that I don’t normally feel in my daily life.

This year was the same, if not better than the rest, but right from the start I was presented with a challenge I never thought would happen. On one of my staffs first day she expressed to me that she was having some issues with her mental health and she didn’t know where to turn to besides Google (which we all know is just a disaster waiting to happen). I asked her if she had thought about seeking professional advice but she felt as though no one would get it, that people wouldn’t believe how she feels which is something I completely understand and can relate to so I didn’t push further. And although I did not know much about body dysmorphia, I knew that I had to try and help her in any way that I could.

For the next week or so I began going onto UOIT’s library website and printing out credible articles on the subject (which I totally recommend for those who are starting out their journey to recovery).  Then on my travels to and from work, I read and highlighted parts I found important before handing it all over to her in a little package. Of course as a psychology student it was incredibly interesting to read and very helpful in understanding what the disorder entailed, but nothing was more exciting than the look of relief/appreciation on her face.

I can’t say what changed her mind, maybe it was the information I gave her, maybe it was the fact that I was so understanding to how she felt, or maybe it doesn’t have anything to do with me, but she is now considering going to speak to someone professionally. Putting your faith into a professionals hands can definitely be intimidating, especially for those of us who are tormented by our thoughts and don’t want others to know that side of us. But even if you don’t continue to see someone, I strongly urge you to at least make one visit, take the chance because it may not help (therapy really isn’t for everyone), but it may do incredible things for your mental health.

I think the point of me sharing this is that if someone comes to you with a mental health issue DO NOT turn away because it took so much courage for them to confide in you. A small gesture really does go a long way and even if you don’t know what to do you could end up really impacting someone’s life and in turn they may impact yours for the better.

** It’s been a rough 6 months for me so this post is a little short- more of a way for me to get back into writing!

Depression, Anxiety and Sex

Please be respectful and refrain from judgement if you continue to read this post.

Some people think that depression and anxiety only affect one’s emotions, but this is not true. It is an illness that causes a lot more problems than just “being sad”. Besides the crippling pain and the inability to function at times, it is quite a mood killer sexually. Now I can’t speak for everyone but I can speak for myself, and I think it is important for people to understand- so here it goes, a story about my sex life… or lack thereof.

I guess I started to notice it when I was with my ex-boyfriend at a time where my depression seemed to become worse (harsher psychological pain-causing physical pain, not getting out of bed, etc.), but I never linked it to that. I just thought that maybe I wasn’t attracted to him anymore, which may not have been completely untrue, but it wasn’t the problem. I know he was not the problem because we are no longer together, in fact, I have been in a new relationship for over two years, and I still feel a lack of interest in sex. Of course, this was troubling to me- I mean especially in a society where sex dominates and influences most of the world, I had to wonder why it made me feel strange, almost uncomfortable to talk about or engage in sex. I started looking into it, and it turns out that this situation is very common for those who struggle with depression.

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The Problem with #BellLetsTalk

Bell’s Lets Talk day is considered an amazing idea and it truly is but my problem is the way people execute the idea.

People go on Twitter or other social media accounts to try and “promote” the awareness of mental illness but why does this only happen one day a year?

First of all, it only applies to Twitter and somewhat to Facebook so why are people posting to social media that isn’t even relevant to the cause? Furthermore why do people feel their good deed is done by posting a simple tweet but every other day of the year they turn a blind eye to it? I mean does anyone else find it funny that on this specific day almost everyone in the world claims to have a mental illness?

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Emotion or Illness?

I think the problem with today’s society is that everyone is so quick to self-diagnose. If you think back to even 5 years ago it was considered shameful or looked down upon to categorize yourself as someone with a mental illness.

Yes, it is very possible that because it is more “accepted” now people are admitting to it more.

But, at the same time I think this generation confuses emotion with actual brain malfunction.

A lot of people think that because they feel extreme sadness they must have depression, or they are quick to change their moods so they must be bipolar; in reality this is far from the case.

It is possible to feel emotion without there being something chemically wrong within your brain. Society is so desensitized that when someone feels emotion, they are brainwashed into thinking that is not okay therefore something must be wrong with them.

WAKE UP PEOPLE! YOU ARE ALLOWED TO FEEL EMOTION!

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Thoughts on Suicide..

** WARNING**: Possible trigger for some; please read with caution to your own mental health

Sometimes I’ll pass by someone on the street and they are just glowing with happiness and it makes me think, I wonder if they always look so happy… is that a reality people actually face? Where they can spend a day in happiness until something negative effects them instead of spending the day in sadness until something positive sparks some happiness… even if just for a few moments. Is it possible for some people to go a day, a week or maybe even their entire existence without seriously considering the option of suicide?

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A little look into my life…

**WARNING: Extremely personal and may cause triggers- please read with caution and respect

This post is a little different than anything I’ve seen but I feel that for people to understand and connect with my posts, I should start out by explaining my story.

Hi, my name is Danielle and I have depression/anxiety. In my 21 years life hasn’t been exactly as easy as one would hope for. As a child, I never understood the effect of traumatic situations and what it could later trigger, I mean what child does?

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