The side character RPG

I feel like I’m playing a role-playing game (RPG) about a side character who wants to sabotage the main character but cannot do so because they know the main character did nothing wrong. The main character has a happy family, loads of friends, always seems happy. They go on plenty of quests and is adored by all the other game sprites.

The side character did not have that.

They do not want to be a villain but they cannot help but feel anger towards those who were born into an environment that did not reject them for who they are. Everyone ignores them and their story. They disappear into the background at times and no one in the world knows who they are.

They’re scared, they do not want to harm anyone but that rage that burns inside of them feels overwhelming. What is worse is that there is no one who can openly express that they feel the same way. The side character is alone, in the background, without as much detail or expression as the main character. Was it because they were created that way? Or was it because they cannot fathom being a main character.

The whole game is about the side character, who is actually the main character of their own life in game but nothing more. Their part as a main character IS to be a lesser being. But that’s wrong. It feels wrong. But there’s nothing the player can do because that’s just the way the game was developed.

Now, how can I love such a frustrating game? How can I not be envious of the perceived main character?

I tossed the controller down but I keep playing, hoping that life will get better for my avatar. I want them to feel loved. To love. To smile more and cry less. To not have to struggle with the burning jealousy of someone who did not suffer the way my character had. To not desire someone to understand, meaning that others would have experienced the same thing. Being pushed to the side by the game they were created into.

Maybe if I keep leveling, it’ll get better.

Maybe if I keep playing, it’ll get better.

Maybe it’ll get better.

Right?

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Dark Waters

I’ve always been a nervous child with a mental sword on my back. I put on this sort of fake, plastic like armor around my soul to protect it from anything that could come at me. At the same time, no one was able to touch me or hold me the way a child needed to be.

So to my surprise, I encountered a body of water with different colours, perspectives and life when I enter a social setting. However, when I tried to learn to swim, I kept sinking. The armor that I trusted above all else began to rust and my sword could not defend me from the currents. It was hard to form opinions, thoughts, and feelings towards subjects I had little to no knowledge about. It is still hard to this day.

From my perspective, there are so many different people to talk to and I fear that I’ll disappoint them if I don’t share the same views. In the end, I try to avoid sharing my opinion by telling them the honest truth; I don’t have enough information.

Swimming with armor on is exhausting but when I take it off, the water is cold and I feel like it’ll carry me away. I make mistakes, I beat myself up over them and then I clean my armor when I’m alone in the tears of my regret. But, I shouldn’t be regretting these things, I mean I tried, right? I try to put myself out there and talk to other people, even when conversation horrifies me. What if we have nothing in common to talk about? What if I get lost in thought and end up saying something wrong?

I drift and float atop endless sea I’ve pictured in my mind and I think. I contemplate what I’m doing, who is around me, why they’re all here andĀ ask myself: how many of us are splashing around with armor on? Some of us are just natural born swimmers and that’s good, good job if you are one! However, I’m sure there’s someone just as awkward, scared and packing just as much metal as I am, trying to move around and take in how beautiful the world we live in is without being engulfed by what we think is down below.

When I think about all of us people just splashing around with suits of armor on, it doesn’t seem too much like a bad idea to try and make my way towards them. Maybe I can even take off some armor (not all of it, I’m not nearly as brave enough yet for that pressure) and offer them some help with finding a small bit of land to rest upon. We could bond over adventures such as what happened in their class yesterday or what boss monster they’ll defeat in maplestory (or is that just me?). Perhaps we can support one another so that the other does not end up sinking to the bottom of the social ocean. All these possibilitiesĀ are endless, just like the sea we’re all struggling to navigate around.

Well, for now, I’m still parading around in this heavy armor but I’ve learned to at least take off the helmet once in awhile so I guess that’s a start, right?