My last post (which it has been such a long time since) discussed my long standing struggle with what I believe is seasonal affective disorder (SAD). It has now starting affecting me, as I expected. The days are darker and now I find myself drawn to staying in bed, sleeping much longer, neglecting my readings, eating out of boredom and sadness, and feeling the urge to break out in tears every few hours. My emotions are becoming harder to control; I’m irritable, cantankerous, and emotional.
I realized how bad it had gotten after leaving my doctor’s appointment earlier this month, I sat in a Tim Horton’s forcing back tears as I contemplated sitting the four hour transit ride home. I had just gotten my referral for a diagnostic appointment that I have to schedule and a referral to meet with Dr. Tim Bilkey to deal with an ongoing struggle with focus and memory retention (I will be discussing this in a later post). I should have been happy, if not at least relieved. But I kept thinking over and over how my mum hadn’t woken me up to say goodbye, how I felt so guilty for not visiting more, how I missed my mom and my dog and even my brother a bit, and how I couldn’t go home yet. Even writing this post I’m fighting back tears. Maybe I’m just not letting myself feel things as I should be, maybe I just need a good cry, or maybe I need a distraction. But I’m at the point where I can tell that even though I can get up, go to work, and go to school, I’m not okay. I have the drive, but I’m not happy, at least not how one should be.
My anxiety is mounting and I feel myself sinking into the pattern of darkness and gloom. But luckily, within the next four days I will know when my psychiatric appointment will be and when I have it, I will have a professional opinion of what I have going on and what I should do. I’m tired of letting my grades slip and losing my temper and fighting back tears every day for four months. I want to be better and do better. Many people may tell me how I’m doing well because I am at least going to work and school. But how well can I be doing if I’m sleeping 9-12 hours a day and only going to work and school out of an anxious duty? I hope that by explaining this, someone may read this and see the correlation within themselves; and to that person who may be searching for answers, they are out there, I hope you are alright and coping as well.
I’m trying to get back into biweekly or monthly posting now that term one is over, but sometimes my stress and anxiety overwhelms me and I let it slip by. Once I have my psychiatric appointment I will give my thoughts. Til then, good luck and much love to you all.