Motivation · Searching for Motivation

Tomorrow is a new day, don’t give up

March 27th, 2016

9:00pm

I sit here alone

Feeling the darkness slowly rise

My mind encapsulated in fear

“Will this ever end?”

10:00pm

I sit here alone

Shaking with anxiety

Quietly preparing my medicine

“Why bother? It’s not working.”

10:15pm

I sit here alone

Feeling hopeless, crying silently

Pouring 60 pills into my hand

“Take them all. No one will miss you.”

10:20pm

I sit here alone

Fighting these darks thoughts

Rationalizing, contemplating, deciding

“Is this how it ends?”

11:00pm

I sit here alone

Gasping for air

Sobbing uncontrollably

“This will never end.”

11:05pm

I sit here alone

Finally swallowing my pills

Only taking an extra two

“I knew you’d chicken out.”

11:45pm

I sit here alone

Drifting into unconsciousness

Knowing better than to wish for a better day

“Everything would be better if i was dead.”

 

March 28th, 2016

7:30am

I am afraid

Of these disturbing thoughts

That still encircle my mind

“I wish I didn’t wake up at all.”

8:00am

I am afraid

That admitting these thoughts

Will land me in a place I’ll never leave

“You’ll never leave because you’ll be dead.”

9:30am

I am afraid

Waiting anxiously to see you

Hoping for relief from my own self

“You’re just another number. She doesn’t care.”

10:00am

I am afraid

Sitting in your office

Spilling out every little thing I’ve bottled up inside

“Just shut up. No one ever cared.”

10:10am

I am afraid

Uncontrollably shaking, sobbing

As i finally gather my courage

To admit my suicidal feelings

10:15am

I am afraid

Talking to campus emergency

Agreeing that the hospital is my best chance

“They don’t care. You’re a liability now.”

10:45am

I am crying

As I’m admitted to emerg

Feeling as if all eyes are on me

“You’re pathetic and weak.”

11:30am

I am crying

As i am sent back to the waiting room

For the crisis nurse to arrive

“She doesn’t care. Nobody cares.”

12:30pm

I am crying

As I’m walking to the other end of the hospital

To a place I fear I’ll never leave

“You’ll only leave here in a hearse.”

12:40pm

I am crying

As i answer more intake questions

Ticking off the mental illness being checked for

“They think you’re crazy.”

1:00pm

I am crying

Back in the waiting room again

Awaiting the arrival of the emergency psychiatrist

“They’re not coming. Why would they bother?”

2:00pm

I am shaking

As a strange man calls my name

Beckoning me into a small interview room

“There’s no going back. You’re never leaving this hospital.”

2:30pm

I am shaking

After talking to a man who has no interest in my issues

Who only sees me as another cry for attention

And another wasted hospital bed

3:00pm

I am shaking

As a new nurse tells me they have a bed for me

But it’s in the hallway of the department

I tell her I would rather leave than sit there in the open

3:15pm

I am shaking

As the nurse finds an empty room for me

Explaining no psychiatric beds are available at this time

Unless I’m willing to be transferred to Toronto

4:00pm

I am exhausted

Longing for sleep, eternal or not

Laying here alone

Not once being checked on

4:10pm

I am exhausted

Stirred awake by a volunteer bringing me food

Refusing it and telling her to take it away

“You don’t deserve to eat.”

4:45pm

I am exhausted

Still crying, still afraid, still alone

Having second thoughts about staying here

No one seems to care

4:55pm

I am exhausted

As I call a nurse into my room to talk

Asking to speak to the psychiatrist

Because I can no longer stay here

5:00pm

I am exhausted

Venting to this nurse, the only one who seemed to care

The one who says staying is best, but understanding the need to leave

Promising the psychiatrist will be by soon

5:15pm

I begin to wonder

After being here for 6 hours

Why no one had kept an eye on me

What if I had the means to end it all?

5:20pm

I begin to wonder

Had someone else been in my spot

If they had the means to end it here

How long until someone would notice?

5:40pm

I begin to wonder

Why I am here

As the psychiatrist berates me for wasting his time

“I was afraid of what I’d do. What else was i supposed to do?”

5:45pm

I begin to wonder

Whether I can keep holding on

Whether life really is worth it

And whether I have any strength left within to keep going

5:55pm

I begin to wonder

Why I was placed in a small, dim room

No windows, alone with my thoughts

Feeling more claustrophobic as the seconds tick by

6:10pm

I am calm

But still afraid

Somehow determined to keep living

Not understanding where this sudden change came from

6:20pm

I am calm

But still shaking

As I decide, for certain, to leave

Being told again that I’m making a big mistake

6:30pm

I am calm

As i sit outside waiting for a ride

Determined to prove him wrong

That this decision was right

7:30pm

I am calm

But alone

Facing my bottle of pills

“Don’t.”

8:00pm

I am calm

But exhausted

Fading into unconsciousness

“Tomorrow is a new day. Please don’t give up.” 

– Anonymous

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