My Autistic Experience – Conflicted During Autism Awareness Month

Apparently it’s Autism Awareness Month… at least in the States.

Every time there is an event or month that has something to do with me, I find that I barely notice it. A year ago, I made a post on Ableism month that started with “So apparently this month is Ableism Month?”

So yeah. Apparently it’s a month that I should care about, but of course I don’t. Surprise surprise, right? It is an interesting, seemingly conflicted opinion that I hold that I think should be investigated.

When I look at society, I see its potential. When I look at people, I see their potential. It is why I hold people to such a high standard. If people were able to live up to the potential that they possess, the world would certainly be a more interesting place – if not better. In seeing the potential of myself and others, I also see how that potential is squandered – for as smart as I am, I could be smarter if I were more dedicated. For as hard-working as I am, I always feel like I am being lazy if I am not working all of the time.

For as good as things are, they could always be better.

Autism Awareness Month is similar in this instance. I have said multiple times that to bring about acceptance of autism, it is necessary for autistic people such as myself to reveal their conditions and share their experience openly. There is no better way to show the potential of autistic individuals than to have autistic individuals show their potential to the world.

I don’t know how many people with the autistic condition take my advice, but I cannot blame anyone who refuses to do so. It would be hypocritical for me to expect other autistic individuals to do what I have thus far been unwilling to do.

I am conflicted on this matter.

On one hand, I want to reveal my condition so that I can show people that there is potential for autistic people, that there is much we can do.

On the other hand, sharing my condition will cause people to think differently of me.

Every second that I remain conflicted on this subject is wasted potential. If I decide to reveal my condition, I can help build a better world for autistic people. It will be a slow process, but every piece of the puzzle matters. If I decide to keep it to myself, I can achieve some peace of mind. I can get by on my own for the most part. No one has to know my condition, and chances are that no one will unless I go out of my way to tell them. No one will treat me any differently in an attempt to accommodate my condition, nor will I be underestimated based on autism’s more difficult aspects.

Autism Awareness Month is a reminder of this conflict in my mind. It reminds me that I have work to do on the autism awareness front. It is a reminder that I have a decision to make that may have consequences that I am not able to predict. It is easier not to think about it, but I can’t even do that without feeling like a hypocrite.

There is much to be done that requires putting myself out there, making myself open to the public. It is a scary prospect, but someone has to do it. Perhaps there will come a day that I decide it will be necessary to reveal my condition. I hope that I will not have to, but I suspect I will if I do not want to be left feeling guilty and hypocritical.

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