I’ve always been a nervous child with a mental sword on my back. I put on this sort of fake, plastic like armor around my soul to protect it from anything that could come at me. At the same time, no one was able to touch me or hold me the way a child needed to be.
So to my surprise, I encountered a body of water with different colours, perspectives and life when I enter a social setting. However, when I tried to learn to swim, I kept sinking. The armor that I trusted above all else began to rust and my sword could not defend me from the currents. It was hard to form opinions, thoughts, and feelings towards subjects I had little to no knowledge about. It is still hard to this day.
From my perspective, there are so many different people to talk to and I fear that I’ll disappoint them if I don’t share the same views. In the end, I try to avoid sharing my opinion by telling them the honest truth; I don’t have enough information.
Swimming with armor on is exhausting but when I take it off, the water is cold and I feel like it’ll carry me away. I make mistakes, I beat myself up over them and then I clean my armor when I’m alone in the tears of my regret. But, I shouldn’t be regretting these things, I mean I tried, right? I try to put myself out there and talk to other people, even when conversation horrifies me. What if we have nothing in common to talk about? What if I get lost in thought and end up saying something wrong?
I drift and float atop endless sea I’ve pictured in my mind and I think. I contemplate what I’m doing, who is around me, why they’re all here and ask myself: how many of us are splashing around with armor on? Some of us are just natural born swimmers and that’s good, good job if you are one! However, I’m sure there’s someone just as awkward, scared and packing just as much metal as I am, trying to move around and take in how beautiful the world we live in is without being engulfed by what we think is down below.
When I think about all of us people just splashing around with suits of armor on, it doesn’t seem too much like a bad idea to try and make my way towards them. Maybe I can even take off some armor (not all of it, I’m not nearly as brave enough yet for that pressure) and offer them some help with finding a small bit of land to rest upon. We could bond over adventures such as what happened in their class yesterday or what boss monster they’ll defeat in maplestory (or is that just me?). Perhaps we can support one another so that the other does not end up sinking to the bottom of the social ocean. All these possibilities are endless, just like the sea we’re all struggling to navigate around.
Well, for now, I’m still parading around in this heavy armor but I’ve learned to at least take off the helmet once in awhile so I guess that’s a start, right?