Drawn and Quartered

I have committed high treason…against myself…AGAIN! I once again have begun to spread myself to thin. Breaking promises I told myself like, “I’ll go to bed by 10:00pm” or “I’ll stay on top of things”, and the classic “I’m fine, of course I’m not taking on too much”. But I’m not fine.

School, work, friends, family, volunteering, applications, planning for my future, meetings! (in no particular order). Sometimes it just gets to be to much. Constantly being pulled one way, whilst another part is being pulled in the opposite direction, all by my own hand. My decisions, and mine alone cause me stress, panic, and anxiety. And I can’t stop. Apart of me wants to, but another part of me knows (or at least thinks it knows) what’s best for me. I can’t tell anymore whether I’m worthy of a break, or if my judgement is on point, I just don’t know.

So many things and so little time. Or maybe its just my time management skills. Because honestly I can’t tell anymore. So much work and effort has been put into making me who I am, because no task is to big or to small when others ask; it’s not a problem. But I think I have a problem, or maybe I don’t and its just the lack of sleep. I just want…to be happy I guess. And I know this anxiety, this ball of fire in my chest burning me from the inside out will die down, maybe even go away entirely (eventually). But right now, all I want to do is lay down and not think.

I’m always thinking. Brain racing, head thumping constant reminders that there’s still so much to do. My future is riding on what I do, on my choices and it scares the hell out of me. Like a deck of cards, one small move, one misplaced card and all my hard work is gone. As if it was never there. Poof! And then what? Disappointment. The ever crushing, self loathing, let everyone down type of disappointment. The type of disappointment that makes your body feel like a thousand pounds, and yet like it’s floating. Untethered with nothing to keep you from floating away, from losing yourself, from ever caring again. So many expectations, and so many things to tend to. And sometimes, its all too much.

Being pulled apart sucks, its sucks a lot more when you are actively doing it to yourself. And I wish I had some positive ending statement about hope floats and precious words of encouragement, but I can’t even believe the ones I tell myself right now. But I’ll still be here. Day after day. Grinning and baring it till I get home, back to my bed, my safe place where I retreat inside my head.  I really wish I had something more positive to say, but I can’t. I can’t lie to myself or anyone else and say it will be okay. Especially when there is nothing wrong with NOT being okay. No one has to be it all, no one has to achieve it all. I don’t just want to be good, I want to be great, to surpass everyone. But who I should really be focusing on is myself. I want to be better, I want to be stronger…but right now I can’t. And I have to learn to be okay with that.

Well wishes,

L.R.

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3 thoughts on “Drawn and Quartered

  1. What I have learned from this SMHS Blog post is that stress is inevitable in the life of a university student and time management and is important for survival. I always try to remember to take things one step at a time because assignments and midterms can really be overwhelming. The key to my success is that time management. It is something I have learned to do throughout my university career. Giving yourself time to relax should always be a priority. Whether it is reading a book, volunteering, or going out with friends. Stress can burn you out and our bodies are not machines. Having balancing is important.

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  2. Thank you for sharing something that I as well as many students can relate to. I commend you for allowing yourself to not be okay and recognizing that is huge and a positive step in the right direction. Knowing when you are not well is important especially so that you can reach out for the help that you need. Most importantly, I think this post emphasizes that it is important to not judge or be critical about those thoughts. Managing the stress of multiple roles and responsibilities is a challenge that many students have and it is nice to know that there are many support services on campus available for students in need of assistance. Finally, establishing a healthy balance in all of the essential pillars of life (i.e. social, recreational, academic, employment, family, etc.) is important to give meaning and pupose in life.

    As mentioned in the post, I think the most difficult part of this that is challenging is the acceptance of the situation and feelings, and reminding yourself that is okay to feel life is getting stressful or difficult to manage. Our minds are great at criticizing ourselves – we are own worst critics! Of course, if a friend or loved one was in the same situation, our initial instinct would be to share positive vibes and words of encouragement. I personally struggle with this myself, and constantly try to remind myself to practice self-care and know that I cannot be excellent every minute or every day of my life. Thank you again for the wonderful post!

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  3. Life can be hectic, especially at this point in the semester. You are definitely not the only one feeling like you are being pulled back and forth between tasks and responsibilities. I am looking forward to the end of this semester so that I can actually relax and not be constantly worrying about all my assignments, volunteering and exams. Best of luck, I know you will make it through!

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