Depression · Difficult Decisions · Failure · Finding Myself · Loss · Mental Illness · Seeking Help · Self Harm · Speaking Up · Stress · Stressful Situations

Roller Coaster

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Sometimes it feels like I’m on a roller coaster that doesn’t stop, a series of ups and downs. As soon as things look up there’s always a 5ft drop.
The year after high school ended and going into college, I started becoming super close with my friend and her family who lived in my hometown, they were like a second family I guess you could say. Before I started college, even when she was at school, I’d be there with her parents and siblings. Most nights I went to sleep there, and most mornings I woke up there. It was like a second home to me. I spent every waking moment and chance I had with them. My parents during this time seemed rather annoyed that I spent all this time with them and not my family. During this time my depression and suicidal thoughts were on the rise. My “second family” was always there to support me, and even at one point brought me to see a counsellor.
Summer 2012 I had a falling out with these friends, this was difficult for me. Going from spending every moment with them to not at all was a big adjustment for me. I tried endlessly to work things out with them, but every time I did I made things worse. That summer, they ended up calling the police on me. I guess you can say when I tried to work things out, I was a little bit persistent with it. I’ve never been one to give up on people or let people walk away, even when they tell me time and time again to leave them alone. With summer coming close to an end and me moving to Peterborough for college, this was a positive for me. I’d have something to do, and would meet new friends. But as the school year started my depression and suicidal thoughts continued to climb. My “second family” eventually came around shortly after school started, on weekends I would go there. Slowly, the good started turning bad again with them.
With the end of first semester rolling around I learned that math and science wasn’t for me and dropped out of the pre-health program that I was in. I later applied to the Child and Youth Worker program for the winter semester.
Over the Christmas holiday marked my first suicide attempt that brought me to the hospital. I ended up over dosing on Tylenol and my sister brought me to the hospital. I spent a couple days in emerge, and a couple in the intensive care unit. This was a hard time for me over hearing doctors that I might need a new liver if things didn’t improve, and the concern my family had for me was really hard. I was so glad to be alive, it made me realize that I would never want to put my family through losing me. Eventually I was released from the hospital.
January 2013, I was back in school and meeting new people again. My parents were constantly on my case post-hospital visit and didn’t allow me to see my “second family” as much, along with that “second family” didn’t want me there as much. I think they were worried that things would go bad again. Slowly but surely, I lost them again. This was difficult but I managed to push through it this time, and even started seeing a counsellor at school. The child and youth worker program wasn’t for me either, but I applied to Police Foundations for the fall of 2013.
Fall fast approached and I started Police Foundations at Fleming College. I started making new friends, I got more involved in school, and my grades were well. Things were good, I had a group of friends at school that supported me, I found a program I liked and was happy with where I was at. But the roller coaster I was on went down again.
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