I want to start but saying I’ve been having a bit of writers block lately as you can probably see with my shortness in words and lack of posts but writing is in my blood and I thank those who have been so supportive on my journey!
A beautiful but lost soul, a twisted mind; that is what I found within him and that is what he used to break me. Have you ever spoken to someone and it feels like you’re speaking to yourself- every deep, dark thought coming at you in someone else’s voice? A connection so strong, a conversation so deep that it leaves you questioning the world around you… How did we go from hours of intense conversation to complete silence without an explanation or a goodbye like I never even mattered?
Due to this lack of closure I spent (and sadly sometimes still do) a lot of time reflecting on the hours spent together trying to figure out what I did to make it all come crashing down. During these reflections I have come to realize that no matter how beautiful our minds were together, it could never work because the effort was one sided. I spent so much time trying to help ease his mind of all his demons but he never tried to rid me of mine – in reality he used me. It makes me look back on our conversations, were we really so similar or was he saying what he knew I’d love to hear.
Everyone sees closure in a different perspective and there are many definitions (while they may be similar) for it. Personally my favorite way to describe closure is, “a sense of resolution or conclusion at the end of an artistic work” because to me relationships are beautiful and unique, like a work of art they are carefully crafted over time with so much patience. Such effort goes into a masterpiece; you put your heart and soul into it until you can no longer and what a shame it is when that masterpiece is left unfinished because the other person put down the paintbrush and took it with them.
I never thought I could feel closure through writing and sure it is not the same, but finally I have been able to express the way I felt and still feel. I didn’t write this to shame him or those who walk away from someone without a goodbye or explanation; I wrote this to feel closure for myself. I could have written it, saved it (or deleted it) and be done with it but I wanted to post it because I know there are so many others who have been left behind and can’t understand it. I’m writing this for you to remember that whatever the reason may be, you cannot keep it inside. Even if you can’t speak to the person that hurt you, you have a voice and it needs to be heard. Don’t let it eat away at your confidence or make you feel like you’re not good enough because I promise you that you are.