I have always had a fear of letting people down. For the majority of things I have done in my life, I didn’t do them because I wanted to, it was more because I knew it is what other people wanted me to do. Whether it was because of friends, boyfriends, and even my family, I never really did anything with out first getting everyone’s approval. I have struggled my whole life questioning if what I would do or the choices I wanted to make would let anyone down. I have always felt the need to make everyone happy even if it meant that I was not going to be. I feel this really held me back in life and stopped me from following my dreams and doing what I wanted to do with my life. If people would ask me for favors or to help them I would always say yes, no matter what – whether it was to help them with homework or go somewhere for them or do something for them the answer was yes, even if I knew I didn’t have time to help them or I could not afford to. I was always scared to hurt their feelings or to disappoint them. Knowing that I would disappoint people really affected me, and therefore I always tried to do whatever I could for them even if it was going to negatively effect me in some way need. This issue I had for not being able to say no, and not wanting to let people down caused me to fight a lot with my self and the future I wanted.
Both my dad and mom have been in the business field their whole life and both my sisters followed in their footsteps. I always felt I was the odd one out in my family being the only person who did not want to get into business. I always knew I wanted nothing to do with business. I knew it was not for me, yet I always fought with myself wondering if I would disappoint my family, especially my dad. My father is a man that no matter how well you do, he wonders why you did not do better. Growing up, it was tough always trying to live up to his expectations (now a days I know better, all he wanted was for us to be the best person we could be). Whenever I spoke about any science programs I wanted to get in to, or any university, it was as if I never had his full attention. Yet the day my sister got into the same program at the same university as my dad had, he was so ecstatic and proud. I had never really seen him react like that. I guess I was jealous and a little hurt because at that moment I felt like no matter what I did in my life, whether I were to become a doctor, a lawyer, a hair dresser, or even the prime minister I though that I could never really truly make him as proud as he was in that moment with my sister.
A part of me always knew my father would be happy with whatever I decided to do with my life, yet another part of me, if not most of me, kept wondering if I followed in his footsteps, took the business route and when to the school he went to like my sister did, would he be any prouder of me or think of me more highly? I spent months contemplating what I should do with my future; do I do what I want to, or do what I think everyone wants from me. It was an extremely emotional and frustrating time leading up to university. I took a year off just because I needed to figure out what the right thing to do was. I know it might sound ridiculous while reading this, that I put my life on hold because I was not sure if following my heart was the right thing to do. I assure you now a days I realize it too, but at the time it was not so clear to me. It was not clear if I should do what my heart desires and if I do happen to disappoint anyone then to bad so sad for them, or do I do what I though would make everyone else happy, even if I was not?
That year I took off, it did put my life in perspective for me with the help of friends and family. I came to realized that no matter what I do, I will never be able to make everyone happy, and that the only truly important thing is that I make sure I am happy with my actions and choices. I came to realize that if people truly care about me, they will be happy for the things I do with my life as long as I am happy. When push came to shove and I chose UOIT as the university of my choice and the thing I feared most never came true. My father was very proud of me and has been since, because of the sole fact I did what I wanted to do.
So all this to say that I learnt no matter what, as long as I do what makes me happy, everyone who loves me and stands behind me will be proud of me. The last thing I should ever do is to put my life on the back burner because what I want is not what other people want from me.