**WARNING: Extremely personal and may cause triggers- please read with caution and respect
This post is a little different than anything I’ve seen but I feel that for people to understand and connect with my posts, I should start out by explaining my story.
Hi, my name is Danielle and I have depression/anxiety. In my 21 years life hasn’t been exactly as easy as one would hope for. As a child, I never understood the effect of traumatic situations and what it could later trigger, I mean what child does?
Anyways when I was 7-8 years old, my father was diagnosed with bladder cancer, and even though I may not have understood exactly what was going on, I knew my father was not in good health and that he could potentially die. Thankfully after many chemotherapy treatments he was declared to be in remission and I could go back to being a normal kid, living a normal life… Unfortunately, when I was 14 my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer; which was harder for me than the first time because now I fully understood the situation. Countless nights I comforted her while she cried about pain, insecurity and stress which for me was not normal (I think I saw my mom cry maybe once before that). We made it, she has thankfully been in remission since May 2009.
The biggest stresser in my life, (then and now) is my dad. From the beginning I have always been “daddy’s little girl” and one of the most painful things I have ever had to witness was the deterioration of my amazingly strong dad. His cancer came back in 2011. But this time, it was terminal and there was nothing I could do to change that. From February (when they let him leave the hospital) until October 2012 I lived with my dad, and tried my best to take care of him. In between school and working 2 jobs I took him to doctor’s appointments and tried to stay strong, not just him. But, my family.
Have you ever walked into a room and found someone not breathing? The room seemed cold, he seemed too still and that’s when I knew, I could do nothing but try to scream but there was no sound, he was gone. I’ll never get the image of him lying there, peacefully with a smile on his face out of my head.
If you throw in the constant bullying I faced until I was 18, I guess you could say this is what has lead me to be the way that I am; a big mess. My head is constantly filled with sadness, doubt and negativity but it almost seems like this is the way it’s supposed to be- I mean everything happens for a reason right? My dad was a joker, always tried to make light of a bad situation and he always used to say that God must have put him on this earth to see how much pain a human can go through before they break. Maybe God had this plan for me too but instead of physical pain, it is emotional.
My wish for these posts is that someone out there (even if its just one person) who feels like all is lost will be able to connect to what I say and together we can face all the challenges this harsh world has in store.