My Autistic Experience

My Autistic Experience: Understanding The Dance

This is the final post I have in mind regarding a particular train of thought. This will be a long one that references previous posts, but without extra inspiration I am struggling for future ideas. If you have any ideas of things you would like me to discuss, please share with me in the comments.

This is a subject I have tried to write about multiple times. At first, I decided I would try to split it into smaller subcategories, but in doing so I produced work that I thought was lacking in quality. Instead, I will discuss the main point and include any other appropriate social eccentricities involved.

As a male, it’s difficult to go through a period of social hours without discussion of girls. This is not surprising to me, as most males are attracted to females. In these situations, it doesn’t take long for me to become bored. I am attracted to girls, as most boys are, but this attraction is one that has little power to motivate me into action. As such, these conversations quickly bore and isolate me. It is rare that conversations about girls and relationships have anything to do with the sort of topics I have discussed in Let Us Try To Connect, Let Us Try To Create.

For a long time, I have wanted to be in a relationship with a girl. The intimacy of such a relationship was one reason for this, but another is the companionship. For a long time I was interested in finding a girl who could be my companion. Together, we would build each other up and become better people.

While I have had many friends who were girls, I have never had a girlfriend. The fact of the matter is that my eccentricities makes it very difficult to get a girlfriend. I want to go through them step by step, from ones that I have discussed in previous posts, to ones that I have not mentioned yet, using the metaphor of The Dance.

Most girls like The Dance. The Dance is a massive social game, and its complexities are often beyond me. On an intellectual I can see the way it plays out. It involves a lot of hidden communication that favours the natural socializing ability that I lack, shunning the intellectual form of socializing that I have developed as a substitute. In Socializing – an Intellectual Exercise, I discuss that I use my intellect as a means of socializing. In The Glass Orbs in People’s Heads, I go into more detail on how I rely on direct communication to socialize, speaking directly and expecting the same.

The Dance is a massively social game, and in this game I am expected to be able to read people and know what they think when they use indirect communication. In The Glass Orbs in People’s Heads, I discuss how this has always been a challenge for me. Eyes convey little information to me, all of which is intellectual. Body language is another challenge for me, but I am expected to understand it so that I can read minds. I cannot read minds, and so my dance is clumsy.

The Dance is a massively social game, and the dance floor is the massive social arena that I have little to no interest in. Growth Through Understanding Personal Hell taught me this. I have tried going to large social gathers, but more often than not I find them exhausting. Even if I try to go simply to have fun, the environment distracts me and reminds me of why I don’t like going in the first place.

There are other things to. It’s not just about the difficulty of interesting a girl, but also in a girl’s ability to interest me.

For one, I generally don’t like to be touched. Being touched leaves an annoying sensation on my skin. Imagine that I pat you on your back. It feels as if I have placed my hand on your back and have left it there, but in reality I have only patted your back for a short moment. This is what touch feels like to me. It clings to my skin and distracts me to the point where I often feel as though I must rub the sensation away. If it’s a quick touch, I can sometimes ignore it. I find it depends on location and amount of skin contact. So say I do manage to get a girlfriend. Would I be able to enjoy the intimacy that is expected of such a relationship? I don’t know. I can’t know until I try.

And what would we do or talk about? In Let Us Try To Connect, Let Us Try To Create, I shared my routine and my interests. I know few people (male or female) who share in these interests to a satisfactory level. I find that ultimately and unfortunately, I am bored by most people my age. I am intrigued by fascinating conversations about ideas and mental exercises. I am bored by small talk and discussion about people. Would I want a girlfriend who has nothing interesting to talk about? Is there something that could make up for it? Wouldn’t know until I try.

It also sometimes seems to involve a lot of social work. I don’t know how often I’m supposed to go with her to dinner or on movie dates or shopping and such. I don’t much care for going out. I suppose an activity we could do together is arts and crafts. I like making things with plasticine, and I can draw and paint decently well too. That could be fun. It would be fun for me anyway.

I’m sure there are girls that would be able to interest me in these regards, capable of interesting conversation and who share in the same hobbies and interests that I share. Unfortunately I have yet to find any. There have been times where I thought that I have. In high school I knew a girl, and I was really attracted to her. However, most every other guys were as well. Back then I thought that she would never be interested in me, but today I realize that she was not what I was looking for. Her topics of discussions were the sort that would have bored me to tears if I were not attracted to her.

Another was a girl I met on the Europe Trip I mentioned in Growth Through Understanding Personal Hell. There were 22 girls and 6 guys (including myself) on that trip, and there were a few that I liked at the time. If I weren’t attracted to them, I would have seen that their interests did not align with mine.

In my first year at UOIT, I met a girl who I thought shared my interests, but alas again I was wrong. With distance I realized this. Good grades and a good work ethic are often enough to trick me, and a pretty face helps in the matter. However, good grades and good work ethic doesn’t necessarily translate to intellectual interests. That was the trick I fell for every time.

These examples have nothing to say about the girls’ interest in me, which I understand was also low. The first was liked by almost every other guy in the school. We were good friends, and that was how it stayed because that was what she wanted. The second was interested in me early in the trip, but as the trip went on her interest waned as well. The last already had a boyfriend, but setting that aside I could only predict that she would not be interested in me either. She is a socialite who I doubt would care much for my interests.

These days, I am not interested in trying anymore. The world has provided other things for me to be interested in, and much to be busy with. There is much to learn and discover that better appeals to my interests, and I plan on focusing on those things. Perhaps I may be interested in having a girlfriend in the future. Perhaps I will have a girlfriend in the future. However, that day will not be today.

Don’t forget to share with me any ideas that you would like me to discuss on the subject of my autistic condition.

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8 thoughts on “My Autistic Experience: Understanding The Dance

  1. Potential Topics

    – sensory issues: how do they affect your everyday life? Are there certain senses that are over/understimulated? what strategies (successful or not)
    have you implemented to cope?

    – autism community: have you connected with any other people on the spectrum? If not, why not? If so, tell us about your experiences… or just your thoughts in general about formal or informal gatherings

    – family: what role has your family played in your autistic experience?

    – gender issues: differences between male and females on the spectrum. Tell us your thoughts…

    – communication challenges: are there moments where you are non-verbal or unable to effectively communicate your needs to others, even when you desperately need to?

    – euphemisms: are they generally confusing or you ‘get them’?

    – physical activities: what do you enjoy and what helps you?

    – life skills: how good are you at getting around on your own? Getting groceries and doing stuff in the community? Do you have to have a strategy or plan of action or can things like this be last-minute?

    – Money and Budgeting: does it come easy or is it more of a challenge? Managing money in general…

    I’ve really liked your posts so far and a good tip from one blogger to another: if you think of an idea, make a physical note of it immediately (I use the Notes section on my phone) and you can use it for future reference when you have time to sit down and type 😀

    Liked by 1 person

        1. At times it felt like 100 x worse. I feel that my sisters were always embarrassed especially around their friends to have a “special” brother and jealous of the time our parents spent with me. My sisters beat me up a lot until I became too big and often got frustrated as I never gave them a response they were hoping for. I thought I did, it made sense to me. They tried to cover for me and make up for my deficits (or what they thought my of as deficits) which felt embarrassing as I felt that my ideas were much better than theirs. They also think that they will have to take care of me in the future which is funny as I’ll get my degree in a few months, I work, travel, have many interests and hobbies, and they are miserable, both stuck in crappy jobs and have no education. I feel they will depend on me actually.

          Liked by 1 person

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